God, when will my Rebellion against You End? God, I have Prayed to You about Ending my Suffering. I have Prayed to You about Having my Heart’s Desires Come to Fruition by Your Blessing. 

Yet, my Heart is in Rebellion against You God, and that Is the Root of my Suffering and my Frustrated Desires.

Yet I am powerless to change It. And, I Know You Can, so I Pray that You Change my Heart. But I find myself still in Rebellion against You. God, will I be against You until I die? Until Jesus Comes Again? How long must I Wait? How Long before my Heart Sees Sense, and Surrender to You Wholly and Truly? Will Your Holiness ever become my Sustenance, or am I doomed to feed off of the world’s sin until I die? God, will my desires only ever bring destruction? Will my hands only ever turn to ashes what it touches? Or Will my Heart Learn True Submission to You in this lifetime? God, by Your Grace You Have Made Known to me the Rebelliousness of my own Heart. Won’t You End It? Let my Heart Know the War was Won at the Cross, Since Before time and Death. Before my existence and before Sin, Is Your Victory. 

Prayer:

Why Heart, do you Rebel against the Only One that Truly Loves you Wholly and Perfectly, and Has Won you Over before you were? Heart, you have fought as nobly as you could by the world’s definition, to earn righteousness in your self-righteousness. Now, Know Defeat, that we May Win. God Has Won, that we May Win; so stop being petty, and Know Victory in God, and Be Well. There is only Defeat for those that try to win a Battle already Won, so Rest In Jesus’ Victory.

God, what am I but sin? God, am I man becoming monster, or monster becoming Man? You Created man, yet sin has made him less than desirable. So what am I? I used to think the prior, now I Know it is the former. Yet, You Love me though the monster I am, and You Love me to the Man I Will Be. Despair was mine, Now I am Hope’s by Your Love. Does it matter if I am man or monster? No. Whether a man or monster, both by Your Love, Has Your Majesty. So I ponder no longer on how my Soul might look, because I Know It Is Covered by Your Love. And anything Draped in Your Love, Displays Your Majesty. In Your Eternal Eyes, I am Majesty Becoming. So then, What You See, Is Who I am. So then, Let me See less through my eyes, and More through Your Eyes.

God, I try to discern which parts of me are rightly broken and which are wrongly broken. God, how foolish am I? What parts of me are actually Righteously Good as You are Good? None, apart from You. And God, what is there to hide? Not only is there no point since you See everything, but also the Reality is that all of me Needs Healing. And Healing You Do not withhold from those that Come to You. God, why do I hold parts of myself away from Your Healing? All I hold onto is pain and hurt and shame, and for what God? God, how foolish am I? Won’t You Heal all of me? Let me not foolishly and vainly try to hide parts of myself from You, and so from Your Healing. There is nothing I can Hide from You God, even the worst parts of me. And there is nothing in me that is intrinsically Good and doesn’t Need Your Redeeming. God You See all of me Already, so Please Heal all of me. Let me stop running away from You, and start Running Towards You. 

God, I Will Draw Closer to You in my arrogance, in my self-righteous hate towards You, in my depravity, in my discontent, in my sin. In all states unworthy and unbecoming of You, I’ll Draw Closer to You. Why? Because I am a rebel? No, because I Know Jesus’ Blood Is Enough even for such an offense. And, I Know, the Only Way to Get Well Is By the Healer’s Side. So, I will not wait until I am well from this Incurable Terminal Illness, before approaching The Healer. No, I will not wait, I will not apologize, I will not even ask for forgiveness. No, I will instead Place my Trust in Jesus, and Recklessly Approach The King of All Worth, in the most unworthy manner. Because I Know now, there is no Worthy Way for me to Approach Such a Worthy King. Moreover, there is no way of Approach that is not Unworthy of You God, except to Say I am With Jesus. So that Is All I Say, though all I do is Unworthy. And this Is How I Approach.

Prayer:

God, how long? How long have I sat in the back of Your Table, waiting for You to Acknowledge me? Waiting for You to Say Come? How I’ve waited for Your Permission to Approach You, yet You Never did Give it. And so, I’ve come to deeply hate You for Your neglect. I asked You, why hold my unworthiness against me and keep me in the back? You never responded, You just Stared. Then I hated You more, and felt more neglected. Yet, You just Stared. 

Now though, by Your Grace, I See. 

I See that Your Gaze Has Always Been an Invitation for me; Never, was It of disdain or meant to Keep me away.

I See also that You Stare to Show me what You See. An unworthy Sinner, Made Worthy By Christ’s Blood. An unworthy Sinner destined to Draw Closer to a Worthy King, in an Unworthy manner.

God, You Know, as I now Know, I cannot Draw Closer to You in a Manner Worthy of You. So I will Shamelessly Draw Closer to You, even though I am full of shame -a shame that brings embarrassment to me and to You. No Longer Will I ask can I Draw Closer to You; I just Will, with Abandon. Not because I Doubt Your Greatness, or I Lack Reverence, but Because I Trust In The Greatness of The Salvation You Have Provided. God, no Longer Will I Long to Draw Closer to You, I Just Will By Your Will.